How to Handle a Grieving Friend

Handling a friend in grief — whatever the cause may be — is difficult. It’s often simply hard to see a friend in pain, and helping them deal with the situation can get awkward pretty fast. Some people are instinctively great friends for bad times and others are the ones who spew out insensitive jokes as a defense mechanism. Whatever your case may be, here are a few tips on how to help your friend get through this tough time:

Don’t inadvertently make it about you
The last thing your friend needs to hear about is how well you know their problem. While many believe the line “I know how you feel, one time I…” is comforting, it really takes the attention off the person who is truly grieving and minimizes their loss. A better line would be, “Wow, I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel.” Consider a friend in grief like a bridezilla — would you tell a bride, “Oh ya, I know how it feels to wear a white dress and walk down the aisle?”

Let your friend grieve
Psychologist Dr. Kübler-Ross developed a model known as the Five Stages of Grief which outline, as the name suggests, the five stages people go through when grieving. The stages (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance) can apply to a wide variety of losses, be it a breakup or a traumatic experience. Let your friend go through these stages naturally — don’t try to point out how illogical it is when your friend is bargaining or try to give your friend a reality check when they’re in the denial phase.

Be there for them
It takes more than being physically present to “be there” for a grieving friend. Being supportive for a grieving friend involves a different type of dedication: You should be willing to sit and listen to them talk (without offering unsolicited advice), let your friend know he/she can cry in front of you, and be willing to just sit with them if they’re not in the mood to talk. “Being there” does not involve hiring a stripper, cracking jokes, or playing gags — save that for when they’re further along in the healing process.

Provide comfort food
It’s been scientifically proven that comfort foods actually do comfort! A new study published in the Journal of Neuroscience suggests that salty comfort foods lower stress hormones due to the elevated salt levels in the body and thereby, raise levels of oxytocin — a hormone involved in love and other social connections. Increased levels of this hormone result in soothing feelings, so be a good friend and bring plenty of ice cream.